Lord, I’m willing to cry if it glorifies You

Actually, I am not sure I will be able to sing this afternoon at all. Since being kicked out of our former choir, I have a very bad track record for singing without crying. It is humiliating enough to cry through a church service sitting in the back row where I can slip out if I want to. How much more humiliating to be crying while standing on a riser in front of the entire congregation!

Two years ago Jerry and I exposed heresy and just plain meanness by the leadership of our former church (my church of 39 years). The leadership excoriated us from the pulpit by name: “Jessica Renshaw and her husband.” They forbade people to read what we wrote on our blog hisscribbler.blogspot.com or receive emails from us or talk with us. Without coming to us and asking why, many of our friends turned their backs on us.

Among the more personal rejections was a letter from the star bass in the choir who had sung beside Jerry for years. We knew him well, respected him. He mailed us a long hurtful letter saying among other things that we were “hypocrites, ” that we were not worthy to sing the praises of Almighty God. We took his letter to the choir director. She agreed with him and asked us to “repent or leave.” Since we couldn’t repent of “bringing the deeds of darkness into the light for My judgment” when commanded to do so by God, we dropped out of choir–and later were publicly “dis-membered.”(That’s what it felt like, too!)

We had changed churches since then but this is the first time we have sung in another choir. Whenever I practice our music for today’s service that phrase–that curse–keeps running through my mind. “Hypocrite! You are not worthy to sing God’s praises! You are NOT WORTHY!”

I know I am not worthy. So why can’t I get beyond that judgment and sing because I love God and I know He wants to hear me, even me, praise Him? Why haven’t I been able to sing since then–in church or out–without crying?

I’ve given up asking God to keep me from crying through church services, through the songs about Him that touch me so deeply, through the songs that we sang at the old church, through the songs expressing grief and sorrow over sin and the songs expressing joy at His provision of forgiveness.

Now I pray (and ask you to pray for me) that I will sing to Him whether I cry or not, whether I feel humiliated or not. Because it’s not about me, it’s about Him. Because He is the Creator of all things and I am one of them.

Because. He. Is. Worth. It!

Grace Grieving 2: Not welcome in choir, Feb. 12, 2012 http://hisscribbler.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2012-02-15T08:01:00-08:00&max-results=7&start=130&by-date=false


About Jessica Renshaw

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4 Responses to Lord, I’m willing to cry if it glorifies You

  1. dimple says:

    My dear sister,
    I know you know this verse, but here it is, as a reminder:
    Pro_26:2 As the sparrow in her wandering, as the swallow in her flying, So the curse that is causeless alighteth not.
    And I declare, in Jesus’ name, that Jesus became a curse for you, and that you are free from the curses spoken over you which were causeless. He took this curse, and all the others, and nailed them to the cross of His suffering for you, Jessica Renshaw. That is the truth, and every muttering to the contrary by the enemy is a lie. You are free to worship God in spirit and in truth, whether you cry or not. He will hear the worship and save your tears in His bottle.

    Blessings to you in this season of joy.

  2. as16@juno.com says:

    And because His Spirit dwells in you and He has made you perfect in His eyes, you are worth it too!! Just cry and let it be OK.

  3. Thank you both, sisters in Christ! I am writing this between services and so far it’s all joy!

  4. Jesus died for you. So, you not only have the right to sing for Him, you have the privilege to do so. So, sing away, my dear!

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